You may be a winner!

You may be a winner. That is what the message from Reader’s Digest told me. Like a pick-up line at a bar, it was a promise that I had heard too many times from this organization. I was determined to go where few others had gone. I thought, “Perhaps the way they select the winner is that they keep sending out these notices until only one person responds.” Maybe it is like the TV show Survivor, where only one person is left standing at the end.

I decided that I was going to stick it out to the end. I was going to mail back the request and keep on mailing back subsequent messages filled with promises until I eventually found out if my theory was correct.

Sure, enough, after mailing back the first notice, I received another telling me that I was closer to grand prize. Somehow I felt like the Israelites wandering around in the desert looking for 40 years for the Promised Land, but I was determined to continue. I filled out the required form and sent it back.

Once again, I received notification that I was even closer. It seemed so close that I could almost taste it. I licked the envelope and put on the stamp with great anticipation.

Then it happened. Like the best Criss Angel illusion, a condensed book appeared out of nowhere. Why I got it would have been a case for Sherlock Holmes, but it was nice to get.

Bam, it happened again. Not only did I get another condensed book, but I got steak knives, too. The only problem was that this time Readers Digest wanted me to buy the book, for which I would receive the steak knives for free, or send it back.

I didn’t want the book, but I certainly didn’t want to pay the postage to mail the books and steak knives back, either. I hadn’t asked for them. Why should I pay to send them back?

This was getting to be too much. I telephoned Readers Digest and told them that I would gladly send the steak knives back with the book if it provided the postage. They didn’t like my suggestion.

After several phone calls, I finally got somebody who told me to keep the book and the steak knives. I made him promise that he would take me off any list that would send me anything but the magazine. He promised.

Since that moment, I have only received the magazine. Reader’s Digest kept their promise. I can’t help but wondering, though, if I would have won their sweepstake had I replied to only one more letter. After all, they promised me that I was getting closer.

However, whenever we have steak at our home, I ceremoniously get out the steak knives that Reader’s Digest sent me and celebrate the partial victory over the publishing giant.

About three weeks after this episode, another letter came in the mail. No, it wasn’t from Reader’s Digest. It was from Ed McMahon and the Publishers’ Clearing House telling me that I could win $10 million dollars. Just maybe … no, I don’t want to go there!