Arguing

If I have a good book, I often loan it to somebody. Often I never see it again. I don’t get too upset. After all, it’s just a book, and maybe it is doing more good out there than it would if it was stuck in my collection.

One of my favourites is Mr. God This Is Anna, but the book that holds the record for my having bought it without it being returned is The Total Man by Dan Benson. It is out of print now, I believe, but I learned so much from it. Let me share a couple of ideas.

In one of the most interesting chapters, Benson talks about how to argue. While there are ten “commandments” he makes on how to fight fairly, two really hit home.

The first was to attack the problem and not the person. Fighting the person doesn’t really do very much. If you win or lose the argument by attacking another individual, usually nobody wins. You often just replace one problem with another. Either you or the other person feels upset or angry at being put in his place.

Also, by focusing on the problem, you are both working on the same thing to make it better. You are not trying to tear each other down. The goal is to build the relationship by conquering the issue that is dividing you.

The second was that you should never say never or always. An example is “You never take the garbage out.” According to Dan Benson, the only people who never or always do anything are perfect. How many of us are perfect?

I remember the first time my wife used the never or always phrase. I forget which one it was, but I remember my reply. I said, “Thank you.”

She tilted her head in disbelief. “Why do you say thank you?” she asked.

“You just told me that I always do something, and, if I do, then I am perfect, so you just told me that I am perfect and I appreciate that.”

It’s interesting that I am not so perfect anymore. She has seldom chosen those words since then to describe my actions.

Learning how to fight fairly is an art though and I suggest that you get a copy of Dan Benson’s book, The Total Man. Just don’t loan it out if you want to have a copy of your own.