I Feel …

A few days ago I was discussing some insights I learned from Dan Benson’s The Total Man. Another concept that was new to me that has helped when disputes arise is to use the words “I feel that…” Here’s what I mean.

A hockey fan may state, “The Toronto Maple Leafs are the best team in the National Hockey League.” Considering their record this year, there are a lot of people who would dispute this. Canadians, being passionate about hockey, would be quick to reply.

If the fan said instead, “I feel that the Toronto Maple Leafs are the best team in hockey,” the retorts would be less severe. Why? While many would still doubt the person’s judgement, they can’t deny the fact that he has the right to express his feelings.

How does this play out in everyday life?

Let’s say somebody does something that really makes you upset. Our first reaction is to tell the person to stop it, usually with an unpleasant, harsh voice. This usually invokes an equally harsh answer. Why? You are pointing out a fault in somebody else. He is the focus of the statement.

If you say something like, “When you do that, I feel as if you don’t care,” the focus is on your reaction to his action. Also, he can’t tell you that you are wrong. He also can’t merely say not to feel that way. Why? They are your feelings and there is no way he can know them. You have the right to your own emotions. His reaction may be that those are not his intentions, but you can still say that this is how you feel.

At this point, the discussion centres on how both of you can come to grips with your feeling a certain way when he does something. You are working on a solution, rather than merely stating the problem. Regardless of the outcome, at least he knows how you feel about something.

It also lets you know if he really cares or not. If he isn’t willing to consider how you feel about something, then that tells you something.

Sometimes there may not be an instant resolution, but at least there is more understanding.

However, I feel as it you will get a lot more out what I am trying to express if you actually read the book, The Total Man, yourself.