Wives, submit to your husbands... (Ephesians 5:21-22).
There are too many Christian women who have been physically and emotionally abused, because their husbands quote them this verse. Wives feel that they are not obeying God unless they totally submit to their husbands.
I am going to give you a slant to this that is not preached in many churches.
First, note that the passage does not say, “Husbands, tell your wives that they must submit to you.” Yet, how many husbands do this very thing? They try to make their wife a slave. They frustrate them by making them do things they don’t believe are right or exerting control, citing this passage as their divine right to be a dictator or tyrant.
The passage is addressed to the wives. I am happy to say that my wife is very intelligent. She can actually read and understand the words she reads. Thus, I will leave it to her to decide what it means. The apostle Paul, who wrote the text, was not talking to me. I will give her the freedom to do what this says or not. I will allow her to choose to submit to me or not.
Husbands often forget that there should be mutual submission in a marriage. Yes, he is to be the head, but he should be loving, not demanding.
Here is a point that I would like to make, though. If I have to quote this passage to my wife in an attempt to get her to do things my way, I have missed the whole point of love. Actually, having to bring this up to my wife is equal to admitting that I have probably failed as a husband. Rather than asking her to submit, I should be humbly asking for forgiveness. Otherwise, I would be trying to use God’s authority to try to control somebody into doing my will instead of using my love to allow my wife to see my heart and why I seek her cooperation.
Why?
If I truly love my wife, my love will be so inviting that she will actually want to submit to me. Submitting to me will allow me to give more to her and she will naturally desire this. It will not be against her will. My success as a husband should be to bring my wife to a position where she willingly submits. I am to make this choice a no-brainer for her. That’s my job as a man.
You see, you can force a person into submission or use love to draw them closer. I think in a marriage, the latter option is the one that is advocated. Unfortunately, too many husbands, who do not really love but seek control, erroneously think that forcing a person to submit is their divine right. They condemn their wives for not doing God’s will, when they are the ones who are not doing it.
By the way, my wife read this before I published it, and she agrees 100%, so here is my submission. And you know what? By asking her opinion and submitting to her suggestions, I have set the example that will make it much easier for her to treat me the same way.
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2 comments:
I must take exception to your comment..."My success as a husband should be to bring my wife to a position where she willingly submits." As a husband I think it would be sad to think my wife would ever "submit". I'd much prefer that we, as partners, came to a concensus.
Also wives need to be aware of the next passage from Ephesians! - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
Thanks for your comment.
I hear where you are coming from. However, my experience has found that there are times when a consensus can't be reached and somebody has to make a final decision. My wife and I discussed this before we got married. We (and I really mean "we") agreed that if it comes to this I will make the final decision. Guess what? On the rare occasions when this happens, I usually choose her position. Think of two people playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire. They both think a different answer is right. He says, "A." She says, "B." Consensus won't work. They would be chosing an answer both think is wrong. Somebody has to say, "Final answer." Somebody has to yield.
Often consensus can water down both ideas and you are left with both people being unhappy. In essence, the people disagree, but they agree to something lukewarm so that neither one will appear to submit. Anyway, coming to a consensus often means both submitting, or yielding to each other's opinions to find some common ground. Sometimes this is great. Sometimes it is not.
Personally, I have no problem with my wife submitting to my love, because love usually involves choice. I never intend on forcing my wife to submit. It is her choice entirely. I have had many delights submitting to her love and I do so willingly, especially when submitting to it will probably mean her presenting me with more opportunities to submit.
I think the problem is that we often put a negative implication on the word submit. It is seen as surrendering and losing a part of yourself. Sometimes it can mean allowing the other person to give you something nice by yielding to it. I wish in my 20s I had submitted more to the young women who wanted to give me back rubs.
So, I agree with you if the submission is forced, however, if it is willingly done by a wife or husband, it can be very delightful. It the submission creates more expressions of love, then it is wonderful and very desirable. There needs to be more love in the world.
A practical example? My wife wants a blouse she loves. I think it is too expensive. Consensus, as I see it, would mean finding another blouse that is less expensive or saying let's wait awhile until we can afford it. Is she going to be happy with this decision? I don't think so. Can you imagine the benefits I might reap if I willing submit to her desires on this one?
As far as your final comment about the other verses, you are right on! I was just trying to focus on the one verse.
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