Expectations

My penpal, Marie-Jeanne, is coming to visit Canada this summer with her husband. Her daughter, Julie, who is in her early 20s, is already over here.

I have been to Belgium several times. On each occasion, I have been treated well. This may be the only time Marie-Jeanne visits. I want to make this one of her best vacations ever. I also want her to discover my country a bit.

St. Marys is near Stratford, two hours west of Toronto. We will go to Niagara Falls, tour some wineries, visit Toronto and do many other things.

However, I must remember that it is their vacation, not mine. When they arrive, we will have a discussion with Julie on what their expectations are. I expect that Julie may have some different ones already. She is on a pretty strict budget. She is also a lot younger than the rest of us.

For example, when we go to Niagara Falls, I intend to go on the Maid of the Mist, the boat that takes you right to the foot of the cascade. However, as much as I think they might want to do this, I think it is important to find out if they really do. Maybe they don’t or perhaps they haven’t the budget to take the voyage. What if Julie can’t afford it? What do we do? Do we leave her behind while we take the boat ride?

That’s why it is important to discuss all of these issues before we go. If we wait until the actual moment of decision, the potential for increased emotions rises significantly. If everyone knows the expectations of the others, then there will be no surprises. There is no problem if Julie wants to go to some of the clubs in Montreal until the wee hours of the morning, for example, as long as she doesn’t expect us to wait around for her the next day while she sleeps. The key is tackling the situation when there is no emotion attached to it.

I hope this all sounds like logical, sound advice to you. I ask you to consider this. Do you do the same things with your life? Do you sit down routinely with your loved ones and discuss what your expectations are? What is your bottom line in planning your happiness? Or do you just flow along like a leaf in a stream? What happens when you hit a waterfall? If you don’t know where you stand or what the expectations are, you could be in for some big trouble.

So what are you looking for in friends, lovers, spouses and even yourself? As I said in a previous blog, I need people that I feel I can trust so much that I can safely place my heart in their hands and it won’t be crushed. I need people around me that I can be totally transparent with and know that I will still be loved.

Here is the key. I can want all of these things and more, but unless I communicate them, I am relying on the hope that other people will somehow know what expectations I have of them and life. Honestly, do you think this will happen? Sometimes people need a wake-up call even if they once knew. Also, we often are afraid to let others know what we need and how they can contribute to our happiness. Why? I really don’t know. Perhaps we figure that if others love us they should automatically know. Hmm, let’s think about that. Could we not also say that if we honestly love people, we will communicate with them with total honesty and let them know what we expect instead of taking the chance that they might be able to figure it out for themselves?

If you are travelling between two cities, you occasionally check the map to see where you are and where you are going. Wouldn’t it be better to know the potential of a waterfall ahead rather than discovering it as you are going over it? Why not do the same with your life? That doesn’t necessarily mean that you will not take a few side trips along the way, but if you plan to go nowhere, that’s exactly where you will end up.

Cassie

As an occasional teacher, I meet about 150 to 200 students every week. They come in all shapes and sizes. You can tell that some come from families where the parenting skills are a bit less to be desired. I can only guess the circumstances some of them face. Sometimes their frustrations are taken out on the supply teacher. They soon learn that I am not somebody who accepts abuse from them. I won’t play the game.

Once in awhile, I happen to get a class and for some reason something clicks. That happened today. I have only had this group once before and was told that they can be a handful. All I can say is give me more handfuls like these students. We seemed to bring out the best in each other.

One of the students who is an example of the kind of kids in the class is Cassie.

I found out from her sister that she is one of nine children. She is one of the youngest. As she put it, she has one father and two mothers. There seems to be a lot of love in her life and she has adjusted well. She seems to have such a positive attitude. In a word, she is a really neat kid.

How neat? Today she was participating in the final of the 200 metres at the school field day. She started off well, but about 50 yards out, she fell. The rest of the field was well ahead of her. There was no way she was going to win.

What did she do? She got up and ran as fast as she could. Cassie actually passed a couple of people and finished fifth.

That isn’t the entire story, though. Others would have moaned about the fact that they fell and blame it on their substandard performance. Some would have hung their heads in shame or felt bad. Cassie walked away simply knowing she had fallen, but had done her best under the circumstances.

When I asked her later why she had gotten up and run so hard, I expected some inspirational answer. Instead I got the type of honest answer that kids often give. She said, “I don’t know. I just like running.” Come to think of it, the answer was inspirational. She was participating in something for the sheer joy of doing it. She had a desire to win, but the simple act of running for the pleasure was enough.

I look at my life and ask myself, “Do I want to moan about my circumstances or do I want to run the good race because I just like running?” I fall? I get up and run. There will be other races and other opportunities to succeed. However getting upset when I fall will do nothing to encourage me to run again.

Cassie, thank you for today. While I may have been the teacher officially, you taught me a valuable lesson.

Why Not Fail?

“There is no such thing as failure.” That is what a colleague of mine once said. While I kept my mouth shut, I couldn’t help but wonder what planet he was living on.

We live in a world where things fail all of the time.

I remember seeing a documentary on engineering and design. It told of how bridges and airplanes developed into what they are today by studying the causes of their failures and improving on the design.

Life is much the same. Some of our financial ventures may not succeed. We lose in sports. Most have suffered from a relationship that has not worked out.

Much like a bridge collapsing, our lives can suffer the same way. It can be devastating. Yet out of that disaster can come the knowledge of how to make our life better. We can make corrections to prevent the same thing from happening again, adjustments that will bring us more joy than ever.

What bothers me is that we are trying to raise a generation and making it sound that failure is to be avoided. Students go from one grade to the next with no fear of having to repeat the grade. They just have to show up to class.

What is important is our attitude towards failure, not the fact that we don’t succeed. If we look at it as an opportunity to make corrections and improve, then it is fine. If we look at it as a reason to give up, then that is not so good.

Mind you, there are some times when it is good to give up. I wanted to become a professional baseball player. It would be a bit ridiculous for me to still believe this was still possible.

Speaking of failure, in baseball, if you fail seven times out of ten, you are a good hitter. Each time you get out, you try to figure out how to get a hit the next time.

So you’ve fallen flat on your face? Life had thrown you something unexpected? While it may hurt a lot, ultimately as you redesign your life like a collapsed bridge or a fallen airplane, you will be stronger for having gone through the experience. You have to be willing to look at the mess honestly and correct the mistakes. That takes courage, but the result will be worth it.

A Sermon to Remember

When I worked in television, I was a master control operator. On Sunday morning that meant I had to sit through about five or six religious programs. Let’s see if I can remember them: Niven Miller, Day of Discovery, Jimmy Swaggart. There were a few more. Let’s just say that I have heard a lot of sermons in my life.

One of the best sermons, yet one of the scariest, was given by Barry Boucher, who was then pastor of The Life Centre in Ottawa.

He talked about the three persons that exist in you.

The first is the person that you know and you know that others know. This is you that you show the world.

The second is the side of you that you know that nobody else knows. This is the secret side of you. It includes thoughts and actions that few if any know about. Oscar Wilde wrote about this person in The Picture of Dorian Gray.

The third is the scary one. This is the you that others perceive, but you don’t know about. You may say or do something without knowing how it received by somebody else. It may be something wonderful that elevates you in the eyes of others or bad that leads to difficulties. The key is you are totally ignorant about it.

It’s sort of like somebody coming up to you and telling you that they had a crush on you thirty years ago. You didn’t have the foggiest idea and may or may not have wanted to know way back then.

While I remember this part of the sermon, I forget what the main point was. I think it was that you need to be more and more like the first person. God knows you inside out, so hiding yourself doesn’t do much good. I have no idea what the spin was on the third person, but I do know I walked out of the church with a real desire to know how others see me – the me that I don’t know.

Change

Nothing stays the same. Everything is in constant change.

Tonight we got the word that a mediator has recommended that our congregation and the pastor of our church negotiate a separation.

There were two other scenarios presented. One was to work on patching up the differences. The other was to have the pastor continue and have some members of the congregation leave.

It was decided that planning the exit of the pastor is in the best interest for everyone.

Is it? How do you know? The answer is that you don’t. No matter what decision is made, change will have to occur. People’s attitudes are going to have to change. If anybody refuses to change in this episode in his life, he will not be growing.

There will be some who will recommend that we don’t focus on who was at fault and work towards the future. I think we should look at who is at fault, because I think that we will find that some fault lies with everyone. None of us is perfect. It is only when we examine our own shortcomings, admit them and then correct them that we will learn how not to make the same mistakes again.

As hard as this decision is on all parties, it is definitely an opportunity to grow. It sort of reminds me of when I cut some of the bushes in our backyard. I can chop them down quite ruthlessly. Within a month, they are growing back stronger than ever. Let’s hope that this episode in everyone’s life involved in this caper has an ending like this. I want to see the bush healthy again with new, strong growth.

My First Baseball Season

I grew up playing softball in Willowdale. There were no baseball teams. If you wanted to play hardball, you had to go down to Talbot Park in Toronto. The coach of the team was a fellow by the name of Roger Nielson, who eventually became an NHL hockey coach.

There are times I wish I had played baseball. I had the natural ability of being able to throw a ball fast, hard and accurately. I figure I would have been one of the best pitchers around. All I can do is imagine.

I got my first chance to play baseball in England. I was 36 years old, so my dreams of the major leagues were gone.

I worked for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation in London and I did a story for the radio on the Croydon Bluejays. The team was formed by a group of Canadian soldiers who stayed in England after the war.

When I met Kevin, the manager of the team, we chatted about ball and the next thing I knew I was on the team.

I started in the outfield. I hated it. After playing softball with its smaller dimensions, I felt as if I was half way across the city. I felt lonely.

Fortunately the catcher on the team moved away and I took over behind the plate. Quickly the team found that I felt that a catcher was not merely somebody who caught the ball. I actually called the pitches in the game and worked with the pitchers. In other words, I developed strategies of getting the batter out.

One strategy I used was to continually talk to the batter. I’d talk about the weather, yesterday’s football match, anything to take his concentration off the pitch.

The major problem I had was on the basebaths. In softball, the bases are 60 feet apart. In baseball, the distance is 90 feet. You are also allowed to take a leadoff.

The first time I got a hit, I was standing on first and I told Kevin that I had no idea of how far I could go off the base for a leadoff. He helped me, but the pitcher tried to pick me off. I dove back to the base just in time. I decided that I wanted to put an end to this game of cat and mouse. The next time the first baseman came over to cover the bag, I rubbed his bum. After that, he didn’t want to stand near me at all. I could take a huge leadoff.

This created my second problem. I decided to steal second. I had the rhythm down perfect for softball. It was a certain number of steps and slide. I didn’t have the same feel for baseball. I took off, but I slid too late. The bases were solidly anchored into the ground and I severely bruised my tailbone.

I really enjoyed the season. The guys were great and our team was pretty good. Many of the fields we played on were just that – fields. There were no backstops, so if you missed the ball behind the plate, it rolled pretty far.

I enjoyed the first year so much that I played a second one. Near the end of the second year, I actually got an opportunity to pitch. This particular field had a mound. I almost fell over on the first pitch.

Soon after that my baseball career was over. I moved back to Canada. What’s great about these episodes in life is that as you look back, you realize that you were a legend. As the years go by, the legend becomes better and better and you realize that you had ability that you never had.

I figure by the time I am eighty, I will be the best baseball player that ever lived.

The Secret

Many of you by now have heard of The Secret. It is a popular book and video that has been seen all over. Oprah has featured it, so it must be great, right?

A few months ago I invested the five dollars or so to watch this hour and a half movie. I enjoyed it. It was inspirational. It was well produced and well written.

So can I tell you what the big secret is? Yes, but I won’t. What I will tell you is that I didn’t learn anything from the video that I didn’t know before.

Before you think that I am being pompous, let me explain. The video gave me the impression that there is this great secret that has been hidden for centuries and was discovered by Rhonda Byrne in a book. When you read the official website you realize that she has searched through the works of many prophets and sacred texts of the many philosophies of the world and has discovered something common in most of them.

Think about what this is saying. She has searched through many texts and has come up with a Reader’s Digest version of her truth that she is passing on and making big dollars from a public that wants a lifetime of learning packaged like a fast-food hamburger.

There are many gurus out there making a lot of money helping people with information that they can get from the local library. A lot of this wisdom is contained in the Bible. My guess is that a lot of it is in the Koran and other texts, too.

When you consult these people, what you are paying for is the packaging. The unfortunate part is that, like Chinese food, a couple of hours later you are feeling hungry again. There are motivational speakers by the truckload out there.

My feeling is that there are many lessons in life you just have to learn the hard way by experiencing them. Some things you have to do yourself instead of being fed by another.

If you want to read a book that helped me a lot, get hold of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Written about eighty years ago, it is almost an ancient text by now, but its wisdom truly is a secret many have not heard.

Yes, consider what others have learned. That is part of the process, but why not go directly back to the source and find out for yourself. Read some of these sacred texts yourself. Hmmm, but that would take more than an hour and a half, wouldn’t it? Better to get the hour and a half, watered-down version. In today’s world, we haven’t the time to live.

Fatigue

The words are not coming tonight. I am too tired. I can't wait until my head hits the pillow and I am on my way to wherever my dreams take me.

Energy Solutions

I don’t pretend that this is an original idea. It isn’t, but I think it is a practical solution to our energy and fitness woes wrapped up into one.

Have you seen those radios and flashlights that work by cranking them up to charge the battery? They were an invention, I believe, of one of the Communist country armies. They are great. You work for a minute or so and you have enough power generated to do whatever you want for several minutes.

When I was at the YMCA last week, I started wondering. What if I hooked up some of the machines I use to something that generates electricity? This way you could combine the exercise we need for a sedentary society with the need to find alternate sources of energy.

Do you want to watch television? Hop on the bike and start pedalling.

Do your kids spend too much time on the computer playing video games? If they have to generate their own power, they will be getting the exercise some of them lack. The greater their habit, the more work they will have to do to feed it. The more fit they will become.

Worried about the price of gasoline rising? Get an electric car. Again, work that you do on exercise machines will help power it. If your teenager wants to borrow it on a Saturday night, guess what? He will have to do some work.

The way I figure it, if we can use a lot of the energy we use to create alternate forms, then that is a bonus. All I need is someone to help me invent this system.

Positive People

The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. - Winston Churchill

People who know me know that I come up with ideas – lots of them. I take the buckshot approach. I just shoot them out and some of them hit targets. I figure that out of a hundred ideas at least one of them is a winner. Many of them are a good laugh.

Regardless of how many ideas are good or bad, I hate being around people who figure that it is their destiny to tell others how something can’t be done. They will often say they are playing the role of Devil’s advocate. Well who said that the Devil needed an advocate? This doesn’t mean that somebody shouldn’t ask legitimate questions. That’s not what I am talking about. These individuals sit like a person at a shooting gallery waiting for the next target.

Do you know people like this? I’m sure you do. They are the ones who sit at board meetings pricking the balloons of others without coming up with any ideas themselves. They lower the energy level of any meeting. They are noted for what they do TO the organization instead of what they do FOR it.

I don’t need to know how or why something can’t be done. I can figure that out for myself. What I do need are people who can help me figure out how something CAN be done.

It takes no effort to do nothing. It takes a lot of effort to do something significant.

So, next time somebody starts raining on your parade, tell him, “I already know what the problems are. Tell me how to solve them.” And don’t let him get out of it unless he chooses to remain silent. If he chooses not to remain silent, get rid of him. Otherwise you will be left with somebody who will kill all creativity within your organization or business.

Bad Feminism

I recently attended an event that I enjoyed very much. It was for a great cause. It was about the maltreatment of women in another culture.

There were only a handful of men attending out of the 150 or so attendees, but we were there. Believe it or not, there are many men who are sympathetic to the plight of women.

What irked me a bit was the hostess making announcements like, “Ladies, our guest will be speaking in ten minutes.” There was no reference to the men in the crowd. This was done twice. Why did she completely ignore us? As a man, was I not welcome at the event?

During the night, mention was made of how much women had done for this cause. No reference was made to the efforts some men have made for the same cause, I being one of them.

I think I believe in feminism, but not if it is not creating harmony among humans, and certainly not if it is not promoting equality among all people. I hope that good feminism doesn’t ignore the contributions or existence of men. I hope men are not all painted with the same brush.

I belong to a teachers’ union. At one time our local had in its constitution that 50% of the executive had to be women. The problem was at one point that there weren’t enough women who wanted to be on the executive and you needed a certain number of executive members to satisfy the constitution.

This same union hosts a conference on women’s issues once a year. Funding is provided for women who want to attend, but not men. Honestly, I don’t think that there would be many men who would attend, but the point is that for true equality to exist, the gate has to swing both ways.

Some may argue that women haven’t caught up yet with men. While this may be true, trying to be equal by practising inequality doesn’t make much sense to me.

I remember working on the pre-registration of a conference for women a few years ago. I had dealt with the forms of all those who were attending. If there were any problems at the registration desk, I would be the only one who would have first-hand knowledge.

On the day of the conference, the two women who were organizing the program asked me if I would mind if I would not be at the registration desk. Their reason? Some women might be offended. Why? Because I am a man? What an example of sexism! Yes, women can be sexist too.

So, am I trying to say that we should keep things the way they are? I hope I am not giving that impression. What I am saying that for equality to exist, it must mean just that. I believe that we should recognize each individual as a human being – period!

Failure

A few months ago I submitted a few of my blog articles to a syndicate. My hope is that I might be able to write a weekly column and get paid for it. I thank the people who have been encouraging my in my writing. I really appreciate it.

I got my first rejection letter today. I could choose to be devastated. I am not.

A colleague of mine once said boldly, “There is no such thing as failure.” I wisely kept my mouth shut, but he is dead wrong. There are many times in life we face failure. Perhaps it is a job that just didn’t work out. Maybe a relationship has gone sour. Many have faced financial ruin. It may be as simple as your car breaking down at an inopportune moment. Failure exists.

Failure is inevitable in every life. You don’t win every game you play. The waves may come and wash away your sandcastle. It’s what you do after that is important. It doesn’t matter how many times a winner is knocked down. What does matter is how many times he gets up.

A friend of mine sent me the following. When I am feeling low, I read it a few times. It brightens my day. I hope it makes yours better.

The Truth About Failure
By Robert Schuller in Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do

Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... it does mean you haven't succeeded yet.

Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing... it does mean you have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool... it does mean you had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn't mean you have been disgraced... it does mean you were willing to try.

Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...it does mean you have to do something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean you are inferior... it does mean you are not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life... it does mean you've a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn't mean you should give up... it does mean you should try harder.

Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it... it does mean it will take a little longer.

Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you... it does mean God has a better idea!

Dog Tags

I live in a small town of 6,500 people. It is small enough that everyone knows pretty much what is happening to everyone else. For some reason somebody decided to start thinking like we are a big city and make sure every dog and cat in town are licensed.

Why?

We don’t have a Human Society in town, so if a dog is picked up, it is sent to the local veterinarian. The whole process doesn’t make sense.

First, if you own a cat, you only have to pay a one-time fee of $10. If you own a dog, though, you must renew your license every year for $15. If you have a second dog, it costs $20 a year. Why does the second dog cost more? Why is there a one-time fee for a cat, but not a dog?

The Town wants to register and tag the dogs and cats. Again, I ask why? They say it is to assist returning stray pets to their owners. I already have tags on my pets. Inscribed on the medallion are their names and my phone number. That seems pretty simple to me. If they are coming up with dog tags, then do one that has my name and number on it.

Is the Town trying to limit pet ownership? This is a poor way to do it. It increases the bureaucracy without any great advantage.

All of our pets are rescued. We have taken in those that nobody has wanted. Why should we be punished for giving a poor creature a good home?

I suspect that one of the main reasons for this is that people let their dog out and don’t pick up after it. If the dog isn’t identified as theirs, then they can deny it. As I said, this is a small town. Most people in the neighbourhoods know who owns what pet. The way to get around this is to create a huge fine for not picking up the poop. It will only take one person to be nabbed and the word will spread like wildfire around town.

My feeling is that the by-law is something that is something that a disgruntled, non-pet-owner has pieced together without asking those with pets what a better solution might be. It sounds like they are trying to punish people and not simply trying to find the best solution for the problem.

Joe’s Logic

I like people who introduce me to new ways of thinking. One of them was Joe Scanlon.

Joe was a journalism professor at Carleton University. His other passion was studying disasters. He has done a lot of work on the Halifax explosion.

One thing he told me that should Vancouver have a major earthquake, radios would be very important to the city since they run on batteries. Bicycles would be the vehicles of preference.

There was something else he said that has followed me through the years and it has nothing to do with disasters. It has to do with urban design.

It was Joe’s theory that urban planners should not build sidewalks unless it was pretty obvious where people will walk. It is better that they allow the people to walk on the grass for a year or so, see where the grass is worn out and then build the sidewalks there.

You know what? This makes a lot of sense. How many places have you seen sidewalks that are seldom used with nearby unpaved paths?

It’s funny how we often do the same with our lives. We quickly pave our path to the future when it might be better to wait to see the pattern that appears on the grass before we commit to building the road.

Hamlet

When I was at Ryerson, I took Hamlet in an English survey course. It was part of a seemingly endless stream of Shakespeare plays that I read, but never saw performed. The modern equivalent would be reading scripts of the television show, Seinfeld, without ever meeting the characters. It was boring.

That changed last night. I saw Hamlet for the first time.

I happen to live near Stratford, Ontario. Every year it has a Shakespearian Festival. The experience is always magical. Among many of the Bard’s works are Broadway musicals and plays penned by others. There is something for everyone.

Even if I don’t like a play, the costuming and staging are remarkable. In last night’s version of Hamlet, a billiard table appeared onstage in a matter of seconds without anyone making a sound. The lights came on and it was there magically. Stratford is a theatrical experience in a small town that matches any other I have seen anywhere. It really is that special.

Hamlet didn’t disappoint. It’s a tale where one murder eventually starts the wheels turning that eventually kill every major character in the play. There is room for merriment, though. The play isn’t serious all of the time.

Like the movie, Casablanca, I soon became aware of some famous quotes from Hamlet, including “Good night sweet prince.”

What I think makes Hamlet timeless are speeches like this one from Polonius, also containing the well-know words, “To thine own self be true.” His son is leaving for France and he decides to give him a bit of fatherly advice.

Yet here, Laertes! aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!

These words have little to do with the plot, but they contain nuggets of wisdom that can still be applied today. They also stir up discussion as to how true they are.

There is a depth to Hamlet that will allow it to continue to pass the test of time as one of the greatest plays ever. I will never think of it as that boring play I took in university again.

Another Day

Another sunrise
And my thoughts turn again to you
It is no surprise
That I feel the way I do
Because you mean so much to me
And I want everyone to see
That I love you
More than you can ever know
I really love you
Show me how I can make it grow
If you don’t know it by now
Give me the chance to show you how

People talking
I see your smile on every face
I see you walking
Towards our special place
And my arms hold you so tight
And as the day gives way to night
I’ll still love you
The feeling won’t go away
I really love you
More than I can ever say
Can’t you see that it’s so true?
And each day it starts anew

Another sunset
Again you are on my mind
So please don’t fret
Let’s put the past behind
And you’ll be there with me tonight
Tomorrow it will be all right
Because I love you
How much do I have to say?
I really love you
And it keeps growing from day to day
I’ve lots to give and then some
For the best is yet to come
All because I love you

The Holy USA

You notice a lot of things going from Canada to the USA.

First, our population is a bit over 33 million; theirs is almost ten times ours at 301 million and change. Since Canada is larger, that means a smaller density. Things are a lot more crowded there, although Southern Ontario is losing a lot of its space to subdivisions.

Our roads seem a lot better, too. I think the reason for this is that our gasoline is taxed more to maintain them better.

I won’t even talk about guns, except most Canadians are against them. Most Americans feel that it is their constitutional right.

But the other huge difference is the number of churches.

I have trekked all over the world and I have never seen the number of churches anywhere as I have seen in the United States.

They have more churches than paint chips in a hardware store. There are so many dominations, offshoots of denominations and independent worshipers. It is difficult to remember that there is only one God, but there seems to be many truths. I figure all of them believe that they have the inside track to heaven.

Some of the churches are huge and I mean super-sized. Others seem to have a small flock that could fit in a phone booth.

In Ohio, where we were last week, there were often five or six churches within a kilometre of each other.

Some of these places of worship are huge. Many of them are providing their congregation with schooling, recreation and pretty well everything they need in life. Religion has become much more than a once a week activity.

Some of the names get me, too. I feel that the more different the name sounds, the more suspicious I am. Willow Creek Baptist (or whatever) Church has a nice ring to it. The Church of the Living Way or Courts of Praise Christian Centre or the Divine Light International Ministries makes me wonder. I have been around enough churches to be aware that nepotism exists in many. It seems to me that it occurs usually in the ones that are independent and are focused on a charismatic minister.

So which of these buildings holds the truth? None of them! You can’t confine the truth inside four walls. Like a lighthouse guides boats through the narrows, they can only guide you through life. You are the one who has to make the journey. Unfortunately, there are some that exert cult-like control on their congregation. If the truth is to set you free, then I don’t see how these ones show the truth.

The experience in Ohio reminded me of a trip years ago to Cappadocia in Turkey. One valley had 52 churches, one for every week of the year. In the Cincinnati area, you would have no trouble doing that and more. Just like Baskin Robbins, you could go attend the flavour of the week.

Manchester Inn

This weekend we were attending a college graduation ceremony in Oxford, Ohio, which is near Cincinnati.

Several weeks ago, I started looking for a hotel. I didn’t realize how big the crowd would be. Relatives of the grads came from everywhere and filled up most of the hotels for miles.

I combed the Internet looking for something that looked clean and comfortable, but within our price range. We found the perfect place at the Manchester Inn in Middleton.

From the first phone call, the friendly staff made me feel that our comfort and satisfaction were of greatest importance.

So what is so special about the Manchester Inn?

To start, it is an independent, eighty-two year old hotel. There isn’t another one like it in another city.

When you step into the spacious lobby, it is like stepping back in time. You feel like you are making a gracious entrance in 1922, when it was built. The two grand pianos, each begging to be played, help the atmosphere.

As we stepped up to the counter, the woman I had spoken to on the phone mentioned that a better room had become available and she had reserved it for us.

Being a reserved Canadian, it was fun listening to the dialogue, our hostess throwing in several "darlings" and a few "honeys" to make us feel more welcome.

The well-appointed rooms, although not large, have nice touches. There is a note asking you to contact the front desk if you need any toiletries. The doorknobs are monogrammed with the letter M.

The staff seems to like each other and like their work. The employees appear to love the old hotel just as much as the guests.

The town of Middleton is clawing its way back to existence. There are signs of revitalization efforts being made. The highlights were the stained-glass store, with its wood-carved doors and panels and the drug store, complete with its 1940s lunch counter. Let’s hope the renewal continues.

The next time we travel to Cincinnati, there is no doubt where we will be staying – The Manchester Inn. Why not? We feel practically like family now.

Cell Phone Addiction

I have a cell phone. I hate it. I do not want to be able to be reached by everybody at any time. There are times when I do not want to be bothered.

On a trip to Cincinnati this weekend, I became aware of how addicted people are becoming on this little piece of technology.

I went to a concert on Friday night. As soon as it ended, before she left the auditorium and not long after the applause ended, I noticed a woman whip out her phone and immediately started dialling.

The young lady in our party no sooner got into the car than she had to call somebody to talk about the concert.

The next day, I attended a graduation at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. The cell phone brigade was in full force. The event was held in a huge stadium. Parents and their graduating children were using the devices to locate each other. Actually, this seemed quite practical, but once located, the son or daughter was immediately engulfed by the masses once more. Trying to locate them would be the same as locating a certain chocolate chip in a cookie full of them.

Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed as if a cell phone has become a driving tool. Everybody seemed to be driving and speaking.

What really got me wondering was when I saw this man in a department store wandering around talking to himself. At least, that is what I thought he was doing. At .
first, I wondered if this individual had some mental problem. Perhaps he had an invisible friend he was talking to. As soon as I walked to the other side of him, I got the information I needed to complete the picture. There, jammed in his ear like a huge wad of gum, was a Bluetooth mobile phone headset.

It almost feels as if people don’t want to miss anything in life, so they have to stay connected to everyone. Somehow I feel that they are losing a bit of themselves. Like a baby having its umbilical cord cut, we need to cut the ties that bind us. I’d much rather share a day with a loved one over dinner than feel I have to keep them up-to-date with the latest news like CNN. I really don’t want to do the colour commentary on my own life, thank you. I would prefer it to be a good book to curl up with.

You won’t find me being addicted to cell phones. That’s for sure. Now email, that’s another story. There’s a habit I can understand!

I Feel …

A few days ago I was discussing some insights I learned from Dan Benson’s The Total Man. Another concept that was new to me that has helped when disputes arise is to use the words “I feel that…” Here’s what I mean.

A hockey fan may state, “The Toronto Maple Leafs are the best team in the National Hockey League.” Considering their record this year, there are a lot of people who would dispute this. Canadians, being passionate about hockey, would be quick to reply.

If the fan said instead, “I feel that the Toronto Maple Leafs are the best team in hockey,” the retorts would be less severe. Why? While many would still doubt the person’s judgement, they can’t deny the fact that he has the right to express his feelings.

How does this play out in everyday life?

Let’s say somebody does something that really makes you upset. Our first reaction is to tell the person to stop it, usually with an unpleasant, harsh voice. This usually invokes an equally harsh answer. Why? You are pointing out a fault in somebody else. He is the focus of the statement.

If you say something like, “When you do that, I feel as if you don’t care,” the focus is on your reaction to his action. Also, he can’t tell you that you are wrong. He also can’t merely say not to feel that way. Why? They are your feelings and there is no way he can know them. You have the right to your own emotions. His reaction may be that those are not his intentions, but you can still say that this is how you feel.

At this point, the discussion centres on how both of you can come to grips with your feeling a certain way when he does something. You are working on a solution, rather than merely stating the problem. Regardless of the outcome, at least he knows how you feel about something.

It also lets you know if he really cares or not. If he isn’t willing to consider how you feel about something, then that tells you something.

Sometimes there may not be an instant resolution, but at least there is more understanding.

However, I feel as it you will get a lot more out what I am trying to express if you actually read the book, The Total Man, yourself.

Another promised article

Another day off. I will have something for tomorrow for sure.

Stay Tuned

I have something for today, but I haven't been able to get near a computertoday for any length of time.

Arguing

If I have a good book, I often loan it to somebody. Often I never see it again. I don’t get too upset. After all, it’s just a book, and maybe it is doing more good out there than it would if it was stuck in my collection.

One of my favourites is Mr. God This Is Anna, but the book that holds the record for my having bought it without it being returned is The Total Man by Dan Benson. It is out of print now, I believe, but I learned so much from it. Let me share a couple of ideas.

In one of the most interesting chapters, Benson talks about how to argue. While there are ten “commandments” he makes on how to fight fairly, two really hit home.

The first was to attack the problem and not the person. Fighting the person doesn’t really do very much. If you win or lose the argument by attacking another individual, usually nobody wins. You often just replace one problem with another. Either you or the other person feels upset or angry at being put in his place.

Also, by focusing on the problem, you are both working on the same thing to make it better. You are not trying to tear each other down. The goal is to build the relationship by conquering the issue that is dividing you.

The second was that you should never say never or always. An example is “You never take the garbage out.” According to Dan Benson, the only people who never or always do anything are perfect. How many of us are perfect?

I remember the first time my wife used the never or always phrase. I forget which one it was, but I remember my reply. I said, “Thank you.”

She tilted her head in disbelief. “Why do you say thank you?” she asked.

“You just told me that I always do something, and, if I do, then I am perfect, so you just told me that I am perfect and I appreciate that.”

It’s interesting that I am not so perfect anymore. She has seldom chosen those words since then to describe my actions.

Learning how to fight fairly is an art though and I suggest that you get a copy of Dan Benson’s book, The Total Man. Just don’t loan it out if you want to have a copy of your own.

Mercury in My Hand

I have had an interesting life. I know that I have done many things that others dream of. I have made enough mistakes to gain some wisdom, but not enough of them to be devastated.

Along the way I have learned a valuable lesson that is contained in the title of a popular song – Let It Be.

Many of the good things that have happened have not been the result of reaching out and grabbing what I want. It has been a process of waiting expectantly for it to happen and being ready when the opportunity presents itself.

The best image I can come up with is when I had my first encounter with mercury. I tried to grasp it in my hand. When I closed my fingers, it squirted away. I learned very quickly that the best way to contain it was to gently cup it in my hand.

That’s the way life has been for me. Sometimes I have lost things by squeezing too hard. I am still learning to be patient and letting things drop into my hands then holding them with care.

This doesn’t mean that I am just sitting around here doing nothing. I still try to expose myself to as many opportunities as I can. I have come to accept that the route that I have planned may change several times along the way.

Doing this has allowed me to have an attitude of being able to accept most of what comes my way without worry. I don’t have to rush around grabbing things. Like the mercury, I just have to accept the things that are placed into my life.

Cars

Having lived in Europe, I realize how much we rely on cars in North America. We cherish the freedom of doing what we want and when we want to because of our four-wheeled friends.

I think we go a bit two far in promoting this love. Considering that fuel costs are rising and we are trying to cut down on pollution, there are two areas I would like to change.

The first is my newspaper. I get the Toronto Star. It is a fine paper. The Saturday edition has over ten sections. Most of it is not late-breaking news. It is filled with things that people have been working on all week.

Two of the sections are devoted to automobiles. Why? Why can’t there be two sections on the environment or tips on how to save money? Why can’t we just forget the two sections and save the newsprint, thus allowing them to keep the production costs down? The answer? Advertising. Automobile companies and private owners spend lots of money to sell their cars. As the consumer, as newsprint prices go up, and they will, I have to pay more for parts of a newspaper I don’t want.

My other desire is to get rid of things like auto racing in its present form. Why not have solar power auto racing? Why do we have to use gasoline and other fuels to power these vehicles going round and round in circles? Again, the answer? Advertising.

And it has to be on television. Forget the fact that you really have no idea what is happening on the small screen. You could edit last year’s race and just add commentary and few would notice the difference. Most of it is just waiting around for a crash.

Meanwhile, we are using valuable farmland to grow corn to produce ethanol gasoline. The price of most food has gone up dramatically in the past year. We need to fuel our cars.

What is scary is that China is now falling in love with the car. When I went there in 1983, most people travelled on bicycle. The government, I was told, owned the only vehicles. Now, the tale is quite different. You hardly see any bicycles on the streets and many, many cars.

The demand for gasoline is going to increase dramatically unless we change our ways. I don’t know if that is possible. Most of us are waiting for the next guy to do it and since they don’t, we ask ourselves why should we if they aren’t.

The Seeds of Love

Love isn’t just something that you say. In fact, if you just say, “I love you,” it is really meaningless. Love is something you do. It is an action verb.

There are some loves that come into your life like a seed breaking through the soil in the spring. You water it in the right amounts and it grows into a fine, strong tree. There may be times when winter comes and the leaves fall, but the root has taken hold and spring comes again.

Some loves are like plants that come only for a season. However, their seeds fall and if the right conditions exist again, there will be new growth.

The best ones are like evergreens. Even though the winter comes, they still keep their shape and colours. And they keep growing.

Country Names

A few years ago, we hosted Japanese students. In the beginning, polite questions are asked, one of them being where are you from. One of them didn’t say she was from Japan. She said she was from Nippon, which is what the Japanese call their country.

Coming from Canada, our name is universal. Although it is spelled with a “K” in some places, the pronunciation is the same everywhere. Not so with many countries.

I have already mentioned Japan, but there are many others.

Germany is Deutschland. Switzerland is Helvetia. Norway is Norge. The list goes on and on.

English is not the only language that does this. In French, England is Angleterre, for example. London is Londres. If you go to Belgium, many of their cities have two different names, reflecting the two official languages. Mons and Bergen are the same place. Canada is not immune to this. If you are English, you call it the Ottawa River. Francophones call it the Outouais.

Here is my question. I have no trouble saying Nippon. Then why don’t we call the country by this name? How in the world did Nippon become Japan? Why can’t we call Italy Italia?

Can we change? Of course we can. When I grew up Beijing was called Peking. Mumbai was Bombay. Why can’t we agree on one name for the countries as a start, eventually working our way down to cities and rivers?

I have searched high and low for the answer. I even sent the question into CTV News for their question of the week without any satisfaction.

When I die I just hope that they haven’t renamed heaven when they ask me where I would like to go.

Ups and Downs

It all started with Lucienne Forrest, a French woman I met on the island of Skopelos in Greece.

She was in the water and shouted out to me, “Come in the water and get fresh!”

I replied, “The expression is freshen up.”

She retorted, “Freshen up; cool down. You English people don’t know what direction you’re going in.”

This got me thinking. Why do we freshen up? Why don’t we just freshen? Why do we put a direction to some of our actions? Then I started thinking of other expressions that use the words up and down without any obvious purpose.

Screwing something up and screwing it down are two entirely different things. Same goes with shut up and shut down. Ditto for dress up and dress down.

You ask people listen up, lighten up and loosen up. Afterwards they can talk it up.

A husband and wife can really mess things up. Afterwards they can calm down and kiss and make up.

You can do a bang up job even when you are hard up, which makes you feel down.

Why do you divide things up? I thought dividing things made them smaller.

When you imagine something, why is it made up?

Why do you have to put up with somebody and if you are really upset with them, put them down?

I’m sure that there are reasons for all of these, but I just haven’t got the low-down on any of them. I give up!

The Power of Music

I remember being excited about music at an early age. I would get the 78s of my brothers and sisters and put them on the record player.

Some of you may not know what a 78 is. It was a disc of music that spun at 78 rotations per minute. A needle went in the groove and produced music.

For some of us, the preceding paragraph is obvious, but for today’s generation, they may have never seen a 78 record.

The other thing about them was that they were brittle. Too often I would take one off, put it on the couch, put the next one off and sit down on the couch forgetting that the record was there. Crunch! Gone! I sat on some pretty good tunes, including “Rock Around the Clock”.

Just like a movie, some songs paint pictures in our lives. Certain melodies remind me of people. Others bring back circumstances.

For example, any John Denver tune reminds me of Krista Lee. I never had any idea of who he was until she introduced me to his music, but along with it came a bit of her.

When I hear “West End Girls” by the Pet Shop Boys I am back in London, England in the mid-80s.

“Do You Want To Know What Love Is” brings back my days at Softball Canada. Diane, who worked there, would always crank up the volume whenever it came on the radio.

Anne Murray’s “You Needed Me” belongs to a certain night in my pickup truck in Alberta. The line You took my lies and made them truth again has special significance. Ugly rumours were going around the community I lived in and this line gave me hope.

I still remember when I first heard “She Loves You” by the Beatles. I was in the bathroom getting ready for school and it still takes me back to that day.

“I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” is for Marie.

I even have songs for pets. “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder reminds me of my dog Sarah.

So many songs; so many memories. I can’t imagine how life might have been before the invention of the phonograph. Each song has enriched my life and it is nice when I hear the first few notes of a familiar tune and the feelings come back to life like rain on parched soil.

Sally Armstrong

I just got back from a potluck dinner for Women Breaking Bread for Women. The organization has these events all over Canada to raise money for the salaries of teachers in Afghanistan.

Last year I organized one in St. Marys featuring Deborah Ellis, author of The Breadwinner.

Four women’s group in Stratford put this year’s together. The guest speaker was Sally Armstrong.

Armstrong is a compelling writer. It was an article in our teachers’ magazine that made me plan my dinner. She is a member of the Order of Canada. She was the founder and editor of Homemaker’s Magazine. She has authored a few books, produced documentaries and many other things. Her focus is women’s issues.

She told stories of the terrible things that happened to women under the Taliban. The situation has improved in recent years, yet women are still treated badly in Afghanistan.

One message that came across very clear in her talk was that the Canadian military is doing a wonderful job there. While we hear reports that the inhabitants of the country don’t want us there, she says the opposite is true. The only people who want our military to leave are the bad guys. The ordinary citizen fears what might happen if they are deserted.

What concerns me is that the impression that I get from the Canadian media is that we should be out of there.

Her bottom line is that she hopes that Canadians feel strongly enough about the lack of rights for women in Afghanistan that they will do whatever it takes to make sure that the injustice doesn’t continue. Simply pulling out, which is what many want us to do, would plunge the women back to the restrictions experienced during the reign of the Taliban.

Why is her story so different than what I read? Is it because the ordinary reporters really don’t plunge deeply into the story? Are they just feeding off each other and news releases put out by the military?

Whatever is happening, it was refreshing to get a different viewpoint tonight.