The Unknown Insult

You often hear this on sport interviews. A player has performed brilliantly and the announcer will pay him a compliment. Often he will deflect the praise and mention the team. While this can be seen as humility, it can also be viewed differently.

A few years ago, I was talking to a pastor, Norm, who had been my client when I worked in television. He paid me a compliment, which I deflected. He paid me another one and I did the same.

He stopped me dead in my tracks by asking this question. “Do you know what you just did?” I replied that I hadn’t. “You just insulted me.”

What? All I had done was to take the spotlight off me and try to be humble, but he explained it a different way.

Norm asked me how I felt when he paid the compliment. I said that I felt really good. He told me that when I deflected it, he felt that I was telling him that his judgement was poor and it wasn’t true.

I had been doing this for years, but I asked him, “What can I say?”

His reply was, “Even if you don’t believe it is true, do you appreciate the comment?”

“Yes,” I stammered.

“Then just say, ‘Thank you, I appreciate it.’ It is your choice if you want to believe it, but you can at least acknowledge that you appreciate what I am saying. You know what? If you let people know you appreciate nice comments, they will tend to make more of them.”

I was floored. To think, all these years my shyness and lack of confidence had been preventing me from hearing more of the very words I needed to hear.

A couple of weeks later, Norm said something nice about me. My response? “Thank you, Norm. I appreciate that.”

Norm’s reply? “John, you’ve learned.” Indeed, I had.